Love in a Coven
by BetterBeMine
Summary: The life of Bella Swan is about to change and she will have to decide if she is able to stay with the family she loves when they show her a very different version of life with a vampire coven. Rated M for future lemons. ON HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Discalimer: I don't own Twilight - I just like to play with certain characters!**

Chapter 1

"_Uuuuh…Uuuuh… What? Could… uh… you… uh… repeat that?"_ It almost felt like the entire Universe stopped and everybody turned around and starred at me. In reality nobody but the woman standing next to me at a bus stop noticed my intelligent words or more likely it was the impressive blush I could feel on my face. I started searching for my car-keys and tried to remember where I had parked the stupid thing.

I could hear a chuckle from my phone and finally an answer.

"_Sure, darlin'. I said: you're going to need a new BFF and your only choice all in all - is me."_

Looking down I was slightly surprised that my jaw wasn't lying on the ground. I turned around and started walking. _"Uh… Okay? I'm not saying that I'm not missing Alice `cause I do, but why would that make you my confidante?"_ There was just no way that I could ever talk to him about the stuff I had talked to Alice about. No way. Alice had practically had to drag every answer out of me in the beginning and she was a girl! Somehow I would have to find a way to talk to either Rose or Esme… Yeah right… I sighed.

"_You know I'm right, darlin' and besides with us bein' what we are, you can't talk to just anybody- especially about sex! Edward? He doesn't know anythin' – yes, he has "seen" more, but that does not mean that he knows anymore than you do and quite frankly he does not understand those needs. Rose? Not gonna happen – you and her just don't see eye to eye and you know it. Emmett? Yeah – you'd end up with a lot of stories and half of them would do more harm than good, not to mention the fact that he wouldn't be able to take anythin' serious. Esme? Well… To tell you the truth, she would be mortified – in her day sex was not somethin' you should or even could talk about, and she still can't. Carlisle? We actually discussed this and well… Carlisle knows as much as I do and would actually love to be the one you could talk to, but we agreed that you'd most likely balk at the idea. And darlin', that leaves me as your only choice…" _

Left foot… right foot… left foot… right foot… I had absolutely no idea how to answer so I kept on walking. I didn't even notice that I put my cell phone back in my purse. I just… kept… on… walking.

How could this be happening to me? I knew that with Alice gone I had lost the only person I had ever been able to talk to, especially about… well, about sex. Not that I had actually said that much, Alice had done most of the talking and prying as it were. But did that really mean that I had to find another person to talk to? Couldn't Edward and me figure this out by ourselves? Even with him being a vampire and me only human it just shouldn't be this difficult, Edward usually tried to pretend that sex didn't even exist and that a peck on the lips was all he needed to basically feel married! I sighed. I wanted more – much more than Edward apparently. I just didn't know more than the basic facts. And what Alice had managed to force me to hear.

I could see Jaspers idea had merit, but he didn't know why this was so damn difficult for me to accept. Once again I had somebody to blame; Alice! When she had talked about sex she had used her own sex life as an example and well… Jasper _**was**_ her sex life back then or at least the sex life I knew about. And that left me with waaaaay too much info! He didn't know that after any 'Alice-session' I went through days where I couldn't even look at him without blushing and that was _**after **_I had spent hours berating myself for being stupid enough to listen to her.

The whole idea was just so hopeless... No, I was the hopeless one – wishing and searching for those feelings I used to have for Edward and nothing helped. I didn't love him anymore, all I ever did these days was pretend to feel – feel anything. I could almost hear Freddie Mercury providing the soundtrack to my life singing 'The Great Pretender' nonstop. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing left inside of me, there is certainly nothing left of the love I once had for Edward. I don't know what happened – who am I kidding, I know precisely what happened; he left me, he broke his toy and Jake had to work really hard to put me back together. Somehow all the pieces that _**was**_ Bella just didn't add up and the new Bella that finally surfaced might look like the old version, but I'm not that girl anymore.

God, I hate to feel so fake… and I'm scared… How can I find the way out of this mess? If I told Edward the truth what would he do? Make the entire family leave again? I wouldn't survive going through that again and this time there would be no-one to help me. When Jake finally imprinted there wasn't any ties left to the Rez and I was banned from visiting – I was now considered more vampire than human. I could accept that, it was their decision to make but why they had to tell Charlie and make him choose between his daughter and his new wife… I no longer had anyone but my vampire family. But… that left me with only two choices: pretending to love or face the world without a single person in my corner. The sharp pain in my chest almost made me stumble.

Don't think about that, Bella! Just keep walking – don't think. Left foot… right foot… left foot… right foot…

The last couple of weeks the Cullen house had felt kinda different I couldn't really put my finger on it but something had changed – maybe they had finally had enough of me? It wouldn't surprise me – somehow people always seem to leave me.

I finally started noticing the rest of the world again and wonder of wonders: I was lost and if it wasn't because it was getting dark it would be funny: not only was I lost inside my own head and certainly in my life – now I was lost in the real world too! All I could see was a neighborhood I didn't know, it looked like an industrial part of Seattle and I had absolutely no idea if I should go left or right. And not a single person – or light – was in view. Turning around I searched for anything familiar and saw nothing. Not even a street name. Damn… How stupid could I be? Walking around in Seattle, in the dark and nobody knew where I was. Or worse, they didn't even know that I was lost. With my kind of luck it would be Victoria or another red-eye who found me.

The sound of a car coming closer startled me. Should I hide or would they help me? In my indecisiveness I never managed to do anything besides just stand there waiting. Now if that doesn't spell pathetic…

_"Get in" _

I sighed and did as I was told.

_"That was really stupid, Bella" _He looked at me _"I knew you wouldn't like talkin' about that and that was why I chose to call you instead of talkin' face to face. But just hangin' up on me and then gettin' lost? We didn't even know you had gone to Seattle! Thank God Alice called and told me where you were"_ I could feel the exasperation seeping from him. Not a good sign. Alice, he had to talk to Alice and I knew he was still dealing with a lot of anger towards her.

I bowed my head _"I'm sorry, Jasper. I re.."_

"_Don't"_ He touched my hand and I couldn't help but feel the small tingle his touch always gave me, as usual I was happy that I could shield him from my emotions these days. Maybe if I wasn't so good at hiding he would know just how embarrassed I really was. I sighed. No, I didn't know how to separate different emotions, all I could do was shut him out and that would have to be enough.

Then I remembered that I had actually driven myself to Seattle and now I didn't even know where I had parked – simply pathetic! _"What about my car?"_ I couldn't even look at him.

"_Aaaw, come on! You don't have to feel like that – Alice told us where you had parked it and Esme drove it home"_

"_Okay. Wait…" _I whispered,_ "you said… but I can – I mean – you're not supposed to…"_ I could feel the color disappearing from my face and then the blush, that damn, stupid blush. God I hated it! He could read my emotions? Oooh…. this was definitely bad. Did this mean that I had never been able to shield my emotions or was it a new change? Would he even tell me? Somehow I didn't really think so…

He just smirked and gave me a sideway glance and said absolutely nothing. I felt my blush getting even worse as I wished I could somehow magically get out of this completely fucked up conversation. I closed my eyes and wished I knew what to say.

"_You just goin' to sit there and pretend you're somewhere else?"_ There was a soft chuckle and I finally noticed that he had parked the car. Opening my eyes I saw that we were somewhere in the middle of nowhere – just the right kind of place for me to feel at home; a nobody in nowhere. Well, it could have been okay if it wasn't for the damn vampire opening my door and silently insisting on my participation. And I didn't even know what I was supposed to do here.

After helping me out of the car he guided me down a path and into the woods – I felt even more insecure and hopeless as I stumbled along before I remembered that he would know and then I desperately tried to stamp out those feelings.

"_Why are we here?"_ My voice had never felt weaker and I mentally spanked myself. Come on! Pull up those big girl panties and act like an adult for once – you can't let those inadequacies rule your life. There is no way Jasper will force you to talk or be BFF's. _"I thought you were just on a rescue mission, not setting me up for another disaster! You know how fabulous I am at walking out here…"_ Clever girl, try to make this funny instead of just embarrassing. It might even work – if he allowed it naturally.

No such luck…

He whirled around and bent slightly down, his face mere inches from mine. My breath hitched and he smiled. _"Hmm… You really don't like the fact that I actually __**can**__ feel your emotions, do you? I wonder why." _Turning back around he continued down the trail and I sighed and followed him.

"_Sit!" _

Startled I looked up and saw that we were actually in the garden of a tiny, but very beautiful cottage, such a peaceful place it made me feel almost at home. Jasper lighted a few candles and threw me a blanket. In front of me were two solid, wooden chairs and a stone table - I snickered at a memory from last summer. Emmett had had to **not** sit on a weak, plastic chair an entire day, while talking to my d.. Charlie… My amusement washed away again. I really had to remember that he no longer considered himself a father to me. I felt the tears threatening to fall and I willed them away.

"_As much as I'd like to talk about how the hell you can feel all of those things almost at the same time – because it really fascinates me – I think I'd rather bring this back on track"_ He took a chair, turned it around and sat down, facing me.

Oh God… He actually wanted to do this now? I wanted to melt away and not exist.

He smiled, _"Come on Bella, you're better than this! You __**will**__ talk to me, I know because Alice actually provided me with some useful information for once and now I at least know what you an' her talked about" _his smile widened _"and I know why you don't think you can talk to me. So… you know more about me than you should – I know more about you than I should, I think that makes us even!" _He leaned forward and put his hands on my knees _"You are goin' to have to trust in me tonight and tell me the truth about… hmm… quite a few things." _He smiled and I felt my heart stumble – the rest of me stumbled frequently why should my heart be any different?

"_When I was on my way to pick you up I had a little talk with Carlisle and we made a couple of decisions and that is basically what you and me are goin' to talk about. As much as I would have loved bein' your BFF we decided to bypass that route and go for honesty instead. So before we start I'll let you in on a few secrets and I think they'll be both a surprise and a relief for you" _He squeezed me knees gently and I felt his calming cocktail all over me.

"_The first thing is that you're not Edward's mate" _

I closed my eyes. So what I suspected was true and now they knew and there was no longer any reason for them to allow me to stay. My heart ached. When would they want me to leave? Would my things be packed when we returned or… would theirs? Would they leave again? Where could I go? I felt sick.

"_Look at me" _the command in Jaspers tone had to be obeyed and I opened my eyes trying desperately not to let him see me fall apart inside. _"Now, that does not mean that you don't belong in the family – you do – just not with Edward and you should really be happy about that!"_ He smirked and moved closer and I instantly felt his calm drizzle over me.

"_Darlin', I know that this is hard to hear but you deserve to hear every little bit of truth that I have to offer, even when it makes you feel this bad. My only consolation to you is that before this night is over I promise that you will feel better – much better!" _

"_Now, this is the part of our talk where you'll have to accept a couple of rules – they are non-negotiable and I apologize, but this is necessary" _He reached out his hands and looked straight into my eyes,_ "all the way through this you will hold my hands. This way you can't lie – no matter how hard you try to hide it I will know how you feel."_

He wanted absolute truth from me? No way! If I had to tell him everything it would be impossible for me to stay – oh, this was really bad!

"_You do realize that I could __**make**__ you spill your guts, don't you? Thing is, I don't want to manipulate you to do that – I want you to trust me. Now tell me why this scares you so much?"_He grabbed my hands, brought them to his lips and kissed the knuckles on both hands and I knew I had lost the first battle.

"I… I ju-just…" I stopped and took a deep breath. _"I don't think I have any secrets you need to know about and… and…" _Ugh! Need another deep breath._ "And if I'm not Edwards mate then I don't have any ties to your family and I'm scared that after tonight I'll have to leave and… and… I don't have anywhere to go or… or… even worse, you know that and you __**have**__ to keep me around because of the Volturi and…" _Oh God, I couldn't hold back the sobs. I was so pathetic.

Jasper abruptly pulled me into his arms and hugged me as tightly as he could. _"Oh Bella, you better listen to this, `cause I'll only say this once; your place in the family is __**not**__ in question – you won't be abandoned again by any of us and not because we 'have to' keep you, darlin' we __**want**__ to keep you! And just because you seem to need it I'll repeat this bit; You. Are. Worth. It. Okay?"_His lips seemed to burn a trail across my forehead and I felt my heart simultaneously slowing down as I was reassured and quickening because of his damn lips.

He laughed, _"How? Just how do you do that? You're the only human I've ever met who could feel two opposite emotions at the same time."_ He released me and I stood on my own two slightly wobbly feet. _"Let's save that for another day"_ He winked at me and gently pushed me towards the cottage. _"You're freezing and it's almost full dark. Come on, we'll go inside"_

Inside the cottage was not only cozy but deliciously warm. There was a nice, roaring fire, a couple of overfilled bookshelves, a large luxurious couch and a small table – no more, no less. Jasper led me towards the couch and he sat down right in the middle. I inwardly groaned – that sly, cheating..! Okay, now I had no choice but to sit very close to him. Big girl panties up once again and I sat down. Jasper smirked and grabbed my hands.

"_You remember the deal?"_ he looked at our hands, then back up to my eyes and raised an eyebrow. I nodded and tried to find some kind of calm within my useless, pathetic, too-easy-to-read emotions.

"_Good! This is the part where I want to know every little bit of your true feelings so don't try to shield anythin' – show me the real you, I dare you..!" _He almost leered at me and I gasped. This was not exactly the Jasper I usually talked to – this version was way more dangerous! Especially for me…

"_Ready? The second secret is that in a vampire coven sex is not a private matter…" _The twinkle in his eyes was almost hypnotizing and I briefly wondered if he was dazzling me – I certainly felt as if I was drowning in those gorgeous eyes.

"…_and when I say not private, I mean it. Up until now Edward has been allowed to keep certain things hidden from you. First and foremost the fact that in a coven monogamy means that you're faithful to the coven – not a single person"._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I blinked. What? He didn't mean… no… That was… Did they…? All of them? Now I was confused. If _**that**_ was what he meant – it didn't have anything to do with me. Did it?

Jasper nodded. _"Yes, that means that we have sex with whoever we want to and that is where Edward has proven to be a problem. You see, he does not approve of our traditional vampire lifestyle and I even doubt if he ever truly wants to have sex. He does not want to have sex with you – the way he sees it, you should remain 'pure' and he will never turn you." _He paused and I felt the anger inside of me threatening to overspill.

Edward wanted me to stay a virgin? Forever? Live my entire life as a human without ever... I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and tried to think around all the darkness inside of me.

"_Now you're trying to hide again - don't! You were doin' so good allowing me to feel your emotions. Why don't you want me to feel your anger?" _

I didn't dare look into his eyes. _"I have no right to be angry with Edward, I… am not his mate and of course I understand why he wouldn't want to turn me, but… Oh this is such a mess! I can't… "_

"_Come on darlin' – tell me" _He let go of one hand and touched my chin instead, forcing me to look at him.

"_I…"_ My breath hitched _"I… don't… love Edward anymore… but he's all I have left… and if he won't turn me… or have s… a real relationship with me, then I don't know who I'm supposed to be. And I'm angry at __**me**__ for allowing myself to accept a life with Edward on his terms"_ There, I had finally told somebody of my shameful lie.

Jasper smiled. _"Thank you. Now we have somethin' to build on!"_ He must have felt my doubt because he continued, _"Oh yes, my sweet darlin', now you and me are going to talk about the family and then I'll know exactly how you feel about each and every member." _He let go of my chin and settled his hand on my knee. _"Turn around and face me" _

I gave up and switched to sitting Indian-style and he did the same, although he moved even closer and his knees touched mine. Not helping! This was just too close and I felt very intimidated by him.

"_You think I'm too close? Hmm? You'll understand in a short while!" _The bastard winked again. _"Oh this is going to be fun, darlin' – well, you might not see the fun part as I won't tell you every little bit I catch. Anyway, when I say a name I want you to show me how you feel about them and don't hold back!"_

Oh fuck… This would be like the ultimate Truth or Dare except the dare part would be telling the truth – I was so screwed…

He leaned forward, his nose almost touching mine.

"_Esme" _he waited a couple of seconds_ "Familiar love… you think of her as a mother"_

"_Alice" _he chuckled_ "Oooh, you're not the biggest fan right now, but you have enough love left to miss her"_

"_Jacob Black…tsk tsk – unexpected? But no love left for the dog – quite a lot of anger though"_

"_Emmett… Hmmm… Familiar love, some resentment and…" _he wiggled an eyebrow_ "a trickle of lust"_

I gave up. If he caught that tiny, little emotion I had absolutely no chance with the rest…

"_Rosalie" _he looked surprised_ "You actually like her! I thought she had thoroughly sent you packin' by now – good for you! She actually likes you y'know, she just doesn't want Edward anywhere near you. Oh, and another trickle of lust" _he gave me a lopsided smile_._

"_Edward" _Jasper only waited a single heartbeat this time_ "Wow… You really don't love him – in fact, you almost despise him, interesting!"_

"_Carlisle" _his eyes became darker as his smile widened_ "My, my… You really like the good doctor, doncha? Aaaw, I love that blush! Let's see if we can make this even better…"_

"_Me…"_

I chickened out and closed my eyes as I felt my shame wash over me.

"_Darlin', why do you hate yourself so much? Is it such a bad thing that you like me? Don't you realize that I like to know that I can turn you on?"_

I finally managed to look at him – his eyes were pitch-black – and he smiled.

"_But I'm just… me! I'm not special in any way and you're… you're…"_ I licked my quivering lips.

His eyes followed the movement of my tongue on my lips _"I'm what? Let's see if we're that different, hmm? Compatible even…" _

And then he kissed me. Nobody had ever kissed me like this before – so full of passion and need. I felt his tongue on my lips, not asking but demanding entrance and I opened my mouth and couldn't help the moan escaping when my tongue and mouth surrendered to Jaspers expertise. Licking, sucking and finally thrusting his tongue deep into my mouth – and I was a trembling mess as he slowed down with small kisses to the corner of my mouth, chin and throat before he finally just held me and rested his head in the crook of my neck.

I hardly remembered how to breathe; Jasper had kissed me – thoroughly.

I could feel him smiling. _"So... I think we can agree that __**that**__ was more than just compatible, hmm?"_ He licked my throat and I moaned – guess that was a kind of answer and in all honesty; it was the most coherent one I had at the moment!

Jasper leaned back and looked at me – smirk firmly in place. _"Ready for secret number three?"_ He must have felt some kind of coherency from me because truthfully I didn't know just how many of my brain cells had managed to return from an impromptu meeting discussing that kiss.

"_Carlisle is not our only leader. True, he is the daily leader and the one we use as a 'father figure' in our human lives, he is the leader in the family. But in our vampire lives, in the coven __**I**__ am the leader!"_

Oh… that was why he felt different tonight – I was not speaking to Jasper Hale, I was speaking to Jasper the vampire!

"_And this leads us to what might be a deal breaker for you! Now, before I say anymore I will tell you this; if you decide that you don't want to stay with us, you will be… allowed to leave but not as a human. You know the rules and there is no way that I will jeopardize my own life or the lives of my family -" _

"_I understand" _I interjected_ "I don't want any of you to be in danger because of me"_

He smiled and some of my brain cells immediately started to discuss the kiss again…

"_I knew you felt that way, darlin' but it's nice to hear that we agree – makes things easier, right?" _he winked and I really wished he would stop doing that as it made my insides even mushier.

"_Okay, this is not somethin' that I want you to give me answer about tonight, remember that, but it __**is**__ somethin' that you need to make a choice about."_ He looked very serious and it was making me nervous.

"_Relax, Bella, this is a about a choice __**you**__ have and a decision __**you'll**__ have to make. I won't tamper with that decision – it's yours and only yours to make – but I __**will**__ tell you where I stand." _Jasper's eyes were darkening again and I really couldn't help myself; he just looked so… so incredibly sexy with those black eyes. I shook my head to stop that train of thought I really couldn't afford to dispatch any more brain cells to the discussion group in my head!

He laughed, _"Oh you're really good for my self-esteem!"_

I cringed.

"_Let's get this out in the open and then I promise to give you some time without reading every little thing you feel,"_ he took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. _"Now, when we get back you will see that some things have changed. The biggest change will be that inside the house we will no longer play humans – you will be living with real vampires. Meaning that all pretence is gone and our behavior will be different and you will discover that vampires are very sexual creatures and we don't hide it – at all! And here is tonight's final truth: you, bein' a part of the coven will be considered fair game! That does not mean that you can't say no – but it __**does**__ mean that you'll be… hmm… approached as an unmated female and as such you'll be invited to join when somebody has sex." _He gave me that slow-spreading smirk as I tried to makes sense of what I had just heard.

I was honestly shocked! They wanted me to… to join them? Have sex with me? Or would they rather that I left and then they could live like they wanted? Wait… not all of them…

"_Jasper… I'm… I don't… How can… I mean… I don't know what I mean"_ I sighed, _"and I can't really wrap my brain around this right now. But I don't see how Edward would accept this…"_

"_Aaah! Well you see, Edward has no say in this – this is a decision made by the leaders and he can either abide or leave. Those are his choices and that is what Carlisle has told him tonight. I talked to you and he talked to Edward"_ he let go of my hand, _"and I promised that I would stop reading you – and now I've stopped." _He looked thoughtful._ "I also said that I would tell you what I wanted you to choose, but I'll keep that to myself if you want me to…"_

"_Uuuh… no… I think I'd like to know, I mean… then at least I'd know if somebody wanted me to stay – I think I know that Edward would want me to leave."_

"_He probably wants you to leave, I won't lie. As for me?" _Jasper leaned forward again until his nose actually touched mine. _"Never doubt that I want you – in any and all the ways I can!"_

It was a good thing that my jaw wasn't unfastened or I would absolutely have had to pick it up off the floor! The most gorgeous creature I had ever laid my eyes on actually wanted me – in _**that**_ way! And if I chose to stay… Dear God…

Jasper smiled and leaned back. _"So, now you know! We've decided that if you have any questions – and you might – either Carlisle or I will be available to give you an answer. We don't expect you to give us an answer before tomorrow night and yeah, I won't read your emotions but I will cover you with that lovely sleepy-juice you know works on you when we're back at the house – you've had a long and tiring day and you need to be rested to make this decision, okay?"_He stood up and reached out his hand. _"I think we should head back. If I say much more I'll probably start to sway you my way and that really wouldn't be fair!" _

The two brain cells I had left decided to cooperate with Jasper and gave him my hand. As he pulled me to my feet I felt my legs give way under me and he caught me.

"_Okay. It might be better if I carry you to the car – you wouldn't be able to see the path in the dark anyway. Just relax, darlin'"_

Easy for him to say… He wasn't the one who had to make really hard and totally unexpected decisions!

While we were driving home I started thinking again. _"Jasper? What do the others think? I mean, do they… want me to stay or…"_ I couldn't look at him and settled for studying my fingernails – they never had any kind of perfect length. I had so many flaws, why would they want to keep something as flawed as me? I didn't get it…

"_Hmm… I don't know why you keep returnin' to 'stay or leave'. The truth is that with the possible exception of Edward they all want you with us. Bella, you should know by now that you're loved by all of us,"_ that soft chuckle was back and my two working brain cells turned my head up and I looked into his eyes, _"some of us just want you more than the others!" _

And God help me, he winked at me again!

When we reached the house I had a really hard time trying to make my legs work enough to leave the relative safety of the car, when Jasper made up my mind for me and simply lifted me up and carried me into the house and up to my room.

"_My sweet darlin', I know that you're overwhelmed and absolutely dead on your feet, so I'll play very nice and ask you to go change and have your human minute and all that and when you're ready I'll make you go straight to sleep – sounds good?"_He opened the door and gently pushed me inside.

All I could do was nod my head and I went into my room.

I felt as if my brain was trying to kill me with indecision and those two working brain cells had possibly not made it all the way back – Jasper might have accidently fried them both.

As I finally laid my head on the pillow everything that had happened seemed to cloud my thoughts even more and I felt the tears starting to just fall.

Immediately the door was opened and Jasper sat on my bed beside me. _"I thought we agreed that you'd let me help you sleep? These tears are really not necessary but you're too tired and spent to see that" _He leaned down and gently kissed a tear away from my cheek._ "Please allow me to help, Bella, it'll be easier to think straight tomorrow."_

"_I know. It's just… a lot to take in. And I still don't see how I can be a part of your family – I'm still just me and..." _I sighed.

"_You really don't see what we see when we look at you, what I see! You're absolutely beautiful inside and out – and I think we should consider ourselves lucky to have you, not the other way round! And now I __**will**__ make you sleep! Goodnight beautiful Bella!"_

And thank God for gorgeous empaths and their sleepy juice because that was finally the end of a difficult and emotionally tiring rollercoaster of a day!


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the reviews! I'm sorry I haven't had the time to answer all of you (- I promise I'll try harder!) but I thought you'd rather have another chapter...!**

**Discalimer: I don't own Twilight - I just like to play with certain characters!**

Chapter 3

As I slowly woke up the following day I wondered why I felt so completely relaxed. Stretching and almost purring like a lazy cat and thoroughly enjoying the morning sun on my body – this felt like one of those rare wonderful days…

…and then I remembered the previous night…

Jasper! Our talk!

I sat up. Oh God… What did they expect me to do today? He said that they wouldn't want an answer before tonight, but… What should I do until then – could I just go downstairs for breakfast or…? Would that be weird? How many were even here? And who could I face? Or actually the real question should be: who _**could**_ I face? As I was wondering how to deal with all this Jasper obviously felt my indecision and beginning panic and simply knocked on my door as he entered.

"_What's the point of knocking if you don't wait anyway?"_ I asked a bit annoyed and honestly, annoyance was a safe emotion!

"_Good mornin', beautiful Bella! Feeling rested and a bit annoyed?" _He laughed at me._ "No, I'm not using my gift – you're not exactly hiding it! And yeah, I know I shouldn't enter your room without permission, but I guessed that you needed help to start the day, so… Today you'll be pampered with breakfast in bed!"_ He pointed to the tray he was carrying.

"_Oh… um… that's… all right, I guess"_ I mumbled intelligently.

"_Now, you go ahead and eat, then do whatever you usually do in the morning and then – we'll have a little talk."_ And then he left!

I stared at the door and tried my best to not to panic. More talking? With Jasper? Crap! I decided that if this was going to be a day that I actually managed to survive, then I probably needed to eat my breakfast even if my stomach felt like it was already full – full of butterflies that is!

I sighed and started eating.

When I had dressed I ended up standing in the middle of the room, just waiting. There was no way that I could leave the safety of my room – I could feel the anxiety beginning to overwhelm me. I knew that Jasper would eventually come back and as he was the only one I had seen since yesterday, he was also the only one that I didn't feel totally uncomfortable with, well… no more than usual naturally. He was still too good looking and I probably wouldn't be able to get all my brain cells to cooperate anywhere near him, but I knew how I reacted towards him and I had gotten used to it. What was the point of beating yourself up every time you were in the same room as Sex-On-Legs as Whoren Mallory had once called him.

That just might be the single most idiotic reason not to fear him! The fact that I had accepted my own shortcomings and the utter pathetic way I just could not seem to think around Jasper was not healthy. But I really didn't know how to change that and that was why I had just accepted it as another flaw. I wished we could get this 'little talk' over with and then I could hide in my room, read a book, get lost in my head again, pretend that yesterday didn't happen…

A knock on the door startled me and I was suddenly scared. What if it was one of the others? I desperately did not want to see any of them right now…

I waited…

The door finally opened and Jasper entered – shaking his head at me. _"This time I knocked – and waited – and guess what? I still had to enter without permission!"_

"_Oh, sorry. I was just afraid it was somebody else…"_ My voice trailed off in a whisper.

Jasper looked at me, an understanding smile on his lips. _"I thought it might be somethin' like that. That's one of the things we'll talk about, but I think we need to start somewhere else. Do you mind if we sit down?" _He gestured towards the bed, this looked serious.

"_No… Did anything happen?"_ I asked as I sat down on the edge of my bed

He nodded and sat down – right in the middle of my bed!_ "Edward and Carlisle's talk last night wasn't as good as ours – Edward decided to leave and he packed most of his stuff and left a couple of hours ago." _

To say that I was surprised would be a lie, but that he would leave, leave **me**, just like that… I did not see it coming. I thought that he would at least have the decency to tell me face to face – obviously not. I looked over at Jasper, _"Just like that?"_

"_Yeah… Not exactly the nicest way to leave, but he always was a damn chicken!" _

Okay, so I was alone in this mess. I had actually hoped that I wouldn't be the only one who felt awkward… I realized that my thoughts meant that I was seriously thinking about staying with the family – could I pull that off? And just what did that actually mean? Living like 'real' vampires. I remembered that Jasper was waiting and he had most likely said something while I was lost thinking again.

"_I'm sorry. I keep getting lost inside my head…"_ Right, now I sounded like a mental case.

Jasper smiled and suddenly pulled me into his lap. _"I noticed! You're over thinking it again and I think you need to see what our lifestyle actually is instead of panicking about stuff your brain keeps inventing."_ When he looked at me I saw that his eyes were getting darker and my heart skipped a beat. _"You need to see the real thing. That's why you're now sittin' here! You're not afraid of me so why would the rest of them scare you? I promise that we won't do anything too… bad," _he smirked,_ "but we won't hold back either. Deal?"_

The lump in my throat felt like it weighed a ton as I slowly nodded.

"_No, darlin' – this is somethin' I need you to say 'yes' to. The rest of the family has to hear that I'm not bullying you into this. Understand?" _Jasper smiled softly.

Oh! They were listening? _"Y-yes?"_ My voice broke and I cleared my throat. _"Yes, I think you're right. I have to see what the difference is."_ My nervousness was making my voice kind of shaky.

"_Well, come on then – no time like the present to start learning!" _Jasper pulled me to my feet and walked towards the door. _"I know that you're nervous, Bella, but you really won't figure anything out by staying in here"_

Finally leaving my room was actually not so bad, the real hard part turned up just around the corner; Rosalie…

"_Bella" _she smiled _"as much as I like Jasper and I know that he has done his best to reassure you there is no way that he has said enough, I think you and I need to have a little girl-talk"_

Okay, **now** I was officially scared… _"Um… Rose, I don't think I'm –"_

"_Bullshit!" she interrupted "Come on, this talk between you and me is long overdue!" _And then she pulled me away from a smiling Jasper and into hers and Emmett's room – not exactly a place I felt comfortable being in today.

Rosalie leaned closed the door and pointed me towards a chair – the only chair in the room and I was immensely grateful that she didn't make me sit on their bed. _"Now I know that the two of us have never really talked and I realize that is my fault, but you and Edward had one of the most unhealthful relationships I have ever seen and believe me, I have seen a lot!" _She smirked and I could suddenly see why she and Jasper had pretended to be twins. _"Thank God the twerp decided to run away! Edwards's idiotic reaction actually makes for a better transition to a normal coven life. I just hope that he hasn't managed to ruin you completely."_

She stopped talking and looked at me obviously waiting for me to say something and I really tried to find the words but I had none. Maybe my brain cells were having a secret meeting and I didn't get the memo. Not having any words to use I searched for a different approach and ended up with a timid smile. Wow Bella… That's really going to impress the ice queen in front of me.

"_You don't trust me do you Bella?" _She sighed and seemed to be thinking hard about something_ "I can understand that, in fact it's one of the things I like about you; your trust has to be earned and I never even tried to earn it. But… now I'm making the effort and please understand that this is __**my**__ choice not something Carlisle or Emmett has made me do. I __**want**__ to be someone you can trust, Bella"_ For the first time ever the woman sitting on the bed actually looked like a person to me; a person I could see as a part of my life… No… There was no way that Rosalie wanted to be my friend. She was perfection and I was every flaw in the book. Somebody had probably threatened her with secondhand clothes to make her talk to me.

"_I'm sorry, I don't know why you're doing this but you don't have to. I'd better go" _I got up and walked out into the hallway before Rosalie grabbed my hand and forced me to turn around.

"_Please Bella, please give me a chance!" _She almost looked hurt. I couldn't wrap my head around this – why would Rosalie want to talk to me?

"_I don't understand, Rosalie…" _

"_Just hear me out and I promise I'll let you go then, please come back inside?" _

She tugged at my hand and I allowed her to drag me back. At least this was an almost normal conversation compared to the one I had with Jasper, I mused as I sat down again. I could deal with Rosalie and her dislike – this was common ground for me.

"_Bella, I'm going to be honest with you – completely honest in fact – I know you didn't hear it but Jasper just berated me for being an idiot and told me that I should try this approach instead, so honesty it is!" _She finally sat down and looked at me _"I know that it's my fault that you don't really know me and I'm sorry about that, but I really hated what Edward was trying to mold you into. It never had anything to do with you as a person and I don't think any of us – with the possible exception of Jasper – has ever known who you are and I really want to change that."_ She looked expectantly at me

Wow… I didn't see that one coming – Rosalie wants to know me, **me!**_"I'm… well… I'm kind of shocked, Rosalie" _I began

"_Rose, please call me Rose. Rosalie is the stuck-up bitch everybody outside of the family meets" _She smiled.

I gaped _"Oh, okay – Rose."_ Edward leaves andI'm suddenly family? _"You want to get to know me?"_

Rose nodded and for the first time ever I noticed a rather sweet smile aimed at me. Somehow all my brain cells were finally back from their vacation and I almost felt like me again – I could learn to be friends with Rose. I smiled at her and it felt so completely foreign on my face that I wondered just how long it had been since I had last smiled.

"_I would really like to be your friend, Rose"_

"_Thank God."_ She laughed _"Maybe the rest of the family can stop listening now and do something?" _She winked at me and I could see that she heard a response from somewhere. _"Thanks guys!" _ She returned her attention to me again _"They've gone hunting. Okay – time to fess up, Bella. Just hear me out here, please? I know everything Jasper and you talked about last night, we all do. It seemed easier for everybody if we all were on the same page so they also know what I want to talk to you about. That's essentially why I wanted them all out as well – I don't think I'll get any answers if you know that you have an audience, right?"_

They all knew? Everything? Oh crap… Well maybe it was time for those big girl panties again – this **was **Rose after all. _"I don't really know what you mean but you're right about the audience, it's kind of irritating when I'm the only one who never knows if there is anybody listening" _

"_Oh don't worry – we talked about that and agreed to get out of the house if and when you wanted to talk to any one of us. If we made some ground rules it would probably help you. Okay – you have to be honest here with me; I can't really help if I don't have the facts. So you might want to take a deep breath here because… well, I'm going in!" _She laughed and I couldn't help the smile spreading on my face. This couldn't be too bad, could it?

"_Let's start out with the basic facts, okay? I know these questions are going to sound awfully bad and you'll most likely not want to answer but just remember that I'm not asking because I'm nosy I'm asking because I want to help" _Rose looked me in the eye and I tried to prepare for anything – Rose could be really nasty if she wanted to.

"_How far did you go with Edward?" _

I gasped _"Rose! That is so not… Why do you even… I don't want to…" _I stopped and closed my eyes, thinking. This was not what I expected but did that mean that I couldn't answer? Remembering last night and the decision I had to make tonight made me wonder if maybe telling Rose the truth wouldn't make things easier. She **had **warned me and now I had to make a choice; to let her in or not to let her in that was the question. I decided.

"_Edward only ever allowed me to kiss him – no tongue either" _I cautiously opened one eye and looked at her – was this what she wanted to know?

Rose gave me sad smile _"Just like I thought – he never touched you?"_

"_No," _I opened both eyes and dared myself to continue _"I tried to touch him a couple of times but he brushed me off and told me that it was... well… not appropriate. In the end I just gave up and accepted that I would have to make do with a peck on the cheek"_

"_So no help from Edward – what about others? Jake?"_

"_No, I never – well, Jake tried to kiss me once a long time ago but I just don't feel that way about him and Edward is the only one I've ever even ki-" _I stopped abruptly. Oh… Last night… I sighed and pulled up those big girl panties once again, _"Well, Jasper kissed me last night but that's it."_

She laughed _"I bet __**that**__ kiss was anything but chaste, huh? Okay, so you're basically untouched. What about masturbation? Don't tell me that you think it's a sin, please?"_

I couldn't help it I started laughing, her plea sounded so pathetic. _"No, Rose I don't think it's a sin and I'm no more of a saint than anybody else. By the way you can thank Alice for shaving a couple of weeks of this particular conversation – she bullied her way into this topic and made me realize that I can talk about sex even if I do still blush all the way through" _Then I realized something _"Hey, I actually feel better talking to you than I ever did talking to Alice!"_

Rose's eyes immediately brightened _"Really? I'm so happy to hear that. Maybe that means that you won't run away when I ask the really bad questions then." _She lifted an eyebrow and smirked. _"I think I'll throw a couple of really bad ones at you, let you work out the anger for a couple of minutes and then I want answers."_

Oh shit… I swallowed and nodded. _"I'm ready."_

"_No you're not, but here are a couple of really bad ones anyway!" _

"_Is there any specific sexual act that you're refusing to do – or some__**one **__you won't 'do'?"_

"_Carlisle, Emmett or Jasper – who do you want to be your first? Or would you rather it was all three?"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Discalimer: I don't own Twilight - I just like to play with certain characters!**

Chapter 4

I'm pretty sure I spent the first couple of minutes staring at Rose while she just smiled. Who would I want to be my first? How could I even answer that? Well… I **could**but that was just… Or all three? Nope – losing my virginity would have to be more private than that. I mean… Well… Just between me and my somewhat functioning brain cells (more than a couple of them were most likely still crawling around in circles) having sex with all three of the guys was not exactly something I had never fantasized about. Some of my brain cells just seemed to fantasize a lot and well… The other question, anything I wouldn't do? What did that exactly mean? How could I answer when I had tried absolutely nothing? Ah… okay, no answer to that one yet. Anybody I didn't want to have sex with? Yes, I just couldn't see Esme that way – she was the closest thing to a mother that I had ever had and the thought of having sex with her just felt so wrong! Okay, that was one answer – back to the beginning. Who? Not Emmett – I liked him alright but I never actually fantasized about him alone that just didn't feel right, somebody else would always be there too…

My brain made an emergency brake; I never actually noticed before but… Maybe this version of a sex-life that 'my' coven was willing to share with me wasn't such a weird thing after all. Plenty of my fantasies – if not the majority – actually included more people than just one. Maybe it was because of my own fucked up family that I didn't dream of that special someone. I had tried to love **one** guy and it did absolutely not bring me any happiness – maybe Renée was right when she said that some people weren't meant to be monogamous. The fact that she was talking about Phil and not herself actually just made her remark more hilarious – she had never, ever been faithful and I still didn't know if Charlie knew. Back on track, Bella!

I sighed and Rose decided to interrupt my musings.

"_So, did I shock you into a headache or an aneurism or did you manage to think about my questions?"_

I felt immensely stupid as I opened and closed my mouth a couple of time before I finally found the right words. _"I survived, thank you." _Rose snickered and I managed to smile, _"I really can't see Esme as anything but a mother and… well… something like __**that**__ would just be too weird" _

"_That's okay – Esme had exactly the same problem" _Rose interjected.

"_That's a relief!" _I actually felt very relieved and realized that I didn't have any more objections – well about persons anyway. _"Rose, um… uuh… I can't really answer the other part of that question, I mean… I haven't… I haven't… done anything so how can I… how can I say if there is anything I won't do?" _

Rose studied me for quite some time _"So off the cuff there is no specific act that repulses you? Be honest"_

I managed to look her in the eye and give my answer _"Not that I know of – well, none that any of you would be able to perform anyway." _I was proud of myself at that moment; I answered an embarrassing question truthfully and I didn't blush more than usual.

She lifted an eyebrow and laughed _"Well there are certain limits to vampirism that we're all grateful for! What about my first question? Any thoughts?"_

"_That's a difficult one, Rose. Can I get back to you on that one?"_

"_You can but…" _she contemplated something_ "How about we talk it over now?"_

Could I do that? Actually discuss it? Well sort of discuss it. Would my brain cells be able to work this out all by themselves? Maybe but… it would take time and somehow I thought it would be better if I knew what I wanted.

"_I think I'd like that" _Wow… did I just accept a discussion about losing my virginity? Oh God…

"_Oh! Thank you Bella – you won't regret this!" _Rose was clearly very happy with this and I had absolutely no idea how to proceed so I just waited.

"_Let's see. Out of the three is there anybody you don't see as your first – that might be good place to start?"_

I didn't want to insult her – it was her mate that I didn't want as my first but how could I tell her? Would she see that as a bad thing or a good thing? _"Uuh… well, don't take this the wrong way but I… I-I don't want Emmett as my first" _There I said it out loud. Looking at her as I said it was something I just couldn't do though.

She giggled – Rose actually giggled! _"That's okay – I'm not too sure he'd know what to do with a virgin anyway. The other two would probably be a much better choice. So it's between Carlisle and Jasper then! You know… Well, I'm not sure if you've really had a chance to think about this but anyway you __**should **__know by now that I have had sex with both of them…"_ she looked at me as if she was deciding just how much to tell me. _"Obviously I can't really say anything to help you here as I was nowhere near being a virgin the first time I was with either of them but I will say this; choose whomever you want but be honest with yourself, choose the one you actually would like to remember being your first."_

I still had my doubts whether they would actually want to… well, to have sex with someone like me. I was nothing special, human **and** a virgin. I sighed and just like that I felt all the inner strength I had moments ago rapidly melt away. There was no reason for this discussion… I knew I would never be the kind of person they thought I was. I was weak… I would never be able to make the decision anyway, well I knew who I really wished to be my first but how could **I**say that? I didn't have the right to demand that anybody had to have sex with me – if I wanted to stay they should probably just make a family decision about who would have to 'deflower' the stupid girl…

"_Tell me what you're thinking" _Rose looked worried and I sighed. Suddenly she looked at the door _"Oh, they're back and Jasper… Oh, Jasper wants to know why you're flooding him with misery?" _She looked even more worried now _"Please Bella, what happened? I thought we were just talking and now, now you're miserable? What did I do wrong?"_

"_It doesn't matter Rose, it's just something that I'll have to deal with eventually" _I could feel just how fake the smile on my face must have looked when I stood up. _"Never mind I'll just go to my room now. I think I need to be alone a minute or two"_

I only managed a single step before the door opened and Jasper was standing in front of me. I kept my eyes on the floor and tried so hard not to cry.

"_No darlin', that's just not good enough. You have two choices right now; you either tell Rose or you tell me what happened inside that head of yours."_

The tears I had managed to keep away so far threatened to fall and I really, **really**wanted to crawl inside my head and curl up and just… just… stay lost. What little bit of optimism and courage I had found in this new situation had quickly disappeared when I remembered my own insignificance, there was no way that I would ever be anything but a simple awkward moment in their perfect family. Alice, my first ever real friend had run off – okay, she had found a new love and well, she deserved love, but she had never written or called me since that day – insignificant me. And now Edward had left too and again I was left without a single word. If that didn't clue me in nothing would – I was utterly and totally insignificant. What was I even doing here contemplating being a member of this family where it was so clear that I did not belong.

"_Oh hell…" _I heard Jasper mutter and then he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. _"Why do you feel so bad? I know I said that I wouldn't check your emotions today, but I can't just let you feel so much pain and not do anythin'. Please talk to me, Bella – you're drownin' both of us in hurt right now" _

I could no longer keep the pain inside and the tears just fell. I wanted to be a part of their family so much and I knew I would never be good enough – the fact that I was so easy to leave behind the first time should have been enough of a hint. And then Renée forgot about me, thenJake"…_and the rest of the guys from the Rez and then later Charlie, Alice and now Edward… There has to be a reason that I keep being left behind – I must really be awful…" _I wasn't aware that I had started talking until Jasper kissed my cheek and sat down with me on his lap – we were back in my room I noticed – and then he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

"_You better start listening to me, okay Bella? I know how you see things right now but that does __**not**__ mean that those idiots who left you behind knew what they were doing and yes, that includes the rest of us when we started the trend of leavin'. You see, when we left back then most of us actually did it to keep Edward away from you – much good that did, but that was our main reason. And by us I mean the family that is still here." _

I couldn't look at Jasper. I didn't have the guts to see if he meant it and I desperately needed to hide my shameful feelings from him. _"Please, let me go… you don't have to-"_

"_No Bella, that's not happenin'. I'm going to tell you this whether you want to hear it or not. The love you have for us is the reason that the dogs made their decision and they are also responsible for taking your dad away from you – you know he had to make an impossible decision. Alice… Well, she wanted to live the easy life with her new mate – her choice and her loss! And finally Edward…" _I squeezed my eyes even tighter shut. Not really wanting to hear how little I had meant to him.

"_Edward is still a little boy who doesn't understand that he can't rearrange the way we __**all**__ are to fit his white-picket-fence-world. None of us and that includes you, should ever lower ourselves to be anything less than what we are. And the simple truth is this. We. Want. You. In. Our. Family. We don't want you to leave, ever! What will it take to make you understand that?" _

I could feel his thumb on my lips and I sighed in defeat as I opened my eyes. They would make me stay I knew that now but how could I make him understand that I would never be an equal. Then I realized that Jasper's eyes were pitch black and **that** more than anything kept me quiet – if he was this angry now… I looked away.

"…_and once again you misread my eyes! Yeah, I know my eyes are black – actually they're black because I didn't want to scare you. Gimme a second" _He closed his eyes and took a deep breath – as he exhaled he slowly opened his eyes… his bright, glowing **red**eyes!

Ooh! Crap… I tried desperately to stop the hot flashes of attraction I could feel flowing through me – he didn't need to know that! I knew it was pointless when he smirked at me and chuckled.

"_So Miss Bella likes the red eyes – she __**really**__ likes them, hmm?" _He slowly leaned closer and didn't stop until he was almost kissing me _"I wonder just how much you actually like me? Do you even know the answer to that?" _He touched my cheek with his nose and I closed my eyes in defeat and felt my shameful heart overflow with humiliation – I knew he wouldn't want to kiss someone like me.

"_Open your eyes."_ He whispered. _"There is no need to feel so bad, why do you have such a low opinion of yourself? You're beautiful, clever and a genuinely interesting person. I think we're the lucky ones here – if you'll have us that is. What will it take to make you understand that we want you?" _He paused,_ "I know which questions Rose asked you and she's just told me your answers…" _

My eyes flew open. I had not counted on them already knowing so much. Oh no… Was I now forcing Jasper or Carlisle to…

Jasper smirked and immediately attacked my inner ramblings with a searing kiss. The way his tongue treated my lips was downright dirty and I was certainly no match for his expertise and I couldn't help how much I enjoyed what he did. He moved on to my throat and maybe I should have been afraid – he did after all have red eyes now, but the moan that escaped my lips just could not be prevented. My brain cells seemed to collectively have declared a sit-down strike. In short, I was a mess! And Jasper had a front row seat to my melt down.

"_You know what, Bella? One of your problems right now is that you simply don't realize how desirable you are." _He leaned back and practically leered at me, I was speechless and tried to make sense out of his words. Me? How could I ever be desirable when they had perfection? Was he making fun of me?

Jasper reached out his hand and slowly caressed my cheek with just the tip of his fingers. He obviously didn't know how much I had wished for any kind of physical contact. Edward had always been so damn careful and well, holding somebody's hand was 'nice' but it never made me feel any better – Jasper's feather light touch felt like fire slowly spreading on my skin. And he smiled while his fingers reached my throat and continued making slow circles until he reached the top of my shirt – then he stopped. _"Just so we're clear on this; I would love to be your first." _

"_Oh…You would?" _My heart was beating so fast and I had trouble breathing.

"_Maybe you need proof?" _He lifted an eyebrow and lifted me up. _"This ought to give you a hint!" _

And then he sat me down on his lap again, but this time I was straddling him and oh… I definitely felt his 'hint'! My blush reached a new high as his hands on my hips prevented me from bolting. Never before had I been this close to any male and the way his cock was pressed against me felt amazing. If I had any doubts before and I didn't really, I knew now that Jasper could most definitely turn me on.

By the smile spreading on Jaspers face I knew that he had noticed my reaction as well. _"That decision should wait for later unfortunately" _He pouted and I smiled. _"Right now you need to know more about the way the coven works and I think we'd better leave your bedroom or I might not behave!"_

I had to agree with him even though I would have liked to explore the way he had made me feel! Parts of my brain was literally screaming in protest when I moved away from his lap.

Jasper led me down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"_It's almost 3 – you must be starving by now" _He said and pushed me lightly towards the fridge.

I was actually and quickly made myself a sandwich. Trying not to think I just stood there looking out the window while I ate. I grabbed a mug of coffee and allowed Jasper to lead me into the living room.

Rose and Carlisle were sitting on one of the couches, obviously waiting for us. Carlisle smiled and I had no doubt that he also knew what Rose and I had talked about. Jasper pointed to the opposite couch and I sat down with him by my side, ready or not it was time for another conversation.

"_Let's start this with a few facts and then we can talk, okay?" _Carlisle said and I nodded, trying my best to look relaxed.

"_First of all, your first time should be with Jasper and not me. Not because I don't want to but I know that Jasper really wants it to be him!" _I stared at first Carlisle, then Jasper, then Rose and then back at Carlisle.

Jasper chuckled, leaned towards me and closed my mouth with his hand. _"Really Bella, you knew that already!"_

"_Well… Yeah! I just didn't expect Carlisle to start with __**that!**__" _I immediately blushed and they laughed.

"_Sorry honey, I just thought it would be better for you if you knew. I'm just trying to make this easier for you and by taking myself out of that decision, you should feel better about talking to me – I hope?" _He looked questioningly at me and I had to agree. I had talked to Rose so I was okay with her presence. Jasper would probably always make me feel nervous but I was used to that **and** he would be my fi… **Not **going there right now – brain cells not functioning! And Carlisle had just reverted to being a normal version of gorgeous and I could handle that so I nodded.

Carlisle smiled and continued. _"Some of this Jasper has already told you but I'll start from the beginning! Jasper and I are joint leaders – we're in charge and our orders must be followed. Rose is actually our second – or third – depending on how you view it. Esme and Emmett are 'normal' members as will you hopefully be, Alice and Edward too should they decide to return. But this is only important if and when we're having visitors. Most importantly if those visitors have any kind of Volturi connection we need you to know and accept the hierarchy." _He stopped and I had no doubt that he was dead serious about this. In an emergency I would have to keep my mouth shut and recognize the fact that others would speak on my behalf. Well… the way I saw it, it wasn't really my place to speak up and I was no match for other vampires anyway, so yeah, if I had to relinquish any power – not that I had any – I would have wanted Jasper and Carlisle to be… what? Guardians? Masters? The job description would have to wait, I needed to know more!

"_I think I understand and so far I see your point." _I looked at Carlisle and I **had**to ask about the one that truly scared me. "But won't the Volturi object to me being human?"

"_No, they have their own humans with them and now that we're no longer bound by Edwards incapability to make the right decision and you have given your consent to be changed you will be considered our responsibility. They won't interfere." _He smiled and I felt just a little bit more relaxed. _"This is the way it will be no matter what you decide about the next part. As Jasper has told you we lead a different kind of life than you have previously seen and you have a choice to make. And please forgive me, Bella, but there is no way you can decide anything about this while still a virgin…"_

Oh God… My blush was back and it felt as if my entire face was on fire. Half of my brain cells must have had a collective meltdown and the other half was frozen solid while my mouth tried to find words all by itself – in other words; I was doing a pretty good imitation of a goldfish!

"_I think that's enough for now. Besides some of us have better things to do!" _Jasper chuckled and interrupted my speechlessness and pulled me to my feet. _"You need to be able to think again – and I know what might help; go take a shower and we'll take it from there!" _

I have no idea how I ended up in my room but maybe he was right – a shower would be heaven right now. I found a clean set of clothes and undressed on my way towards the bathroom. Finally enjoying the hot water I allowed myself to relax and just be me… and then I felt a hand caressing my arm.

"_Mind if I join you?"_


	5. Chapter 5

******So... I know it's been a while [insert preferred excuse] yeah, yeah, yeah – Anyways, I had this chapter ready a while ago and then this whole purge thing happened and I couldn't make up my mind if I should publish or try to change it… Mind made up – they can pull if they want and if that happens I'll go elsewhere! Enjoy!**

**Discalimer: I don't own Twilight - I just like to play with certain characters!**

Chapter 5

My gasp might have been loud enough to be heard throughout the entire house and as I whipped around to look at him I realized a couple of things. At least I knew who he was – and although I knew him I had never seen that particular look on his face. And he was naked – I noticed that when I couldn't meet his eyes and dropped my gaze and…. yeah, looking at his cock did not make my brain work any better!

"_Oh! I…. uuh…" _I desperately tried to find a safe place to look and there wasn't any. How could he be this gorgeous allover? I turned my back to him again – I knew it was pointless but I needed to hide my flaws. "_Wha-what are you doing, Jasper?" _My lame brain decided to ask.

He didn't answer. Well, he didn't use words but he did use his lips. He kissed my neck while he continued to softly caress my arms. I closed my eyes and gave up. I just wished I had the guts to turn around…

I felt his hands move from my arms to my shoulders and down my front and I responded to his touch. My eyes flew open and it was hypnotizing to watch the way his fingers played with my nipples. And oh yeah! When he alternated between tweaking and just circling them I couldn't help moaning.

"_Oh you like that? I like touching your tits too." _He whispered and I almost melted when moved his lips to my shoulder and started to slowly lick his way to my throat. _"Let's see what else you like." _He moved his hands away from my tits down to my own hands. He lifted our joined hands to his shoulders and I leaned back. My breath hitched when I felt his cock on my back but I wanted to touch him and that was obviously what he wanted me to. He let go of my hands and I moved my hands into his hair keeping him as close as possible.

"_Yes," _Jasper breathed on my throat, _"you're always allowed to touch me. I want you to touch me. Just as I know you enjoy my touch I enjoy yours." _His hands moved back to my tits and then in those oh so slow circles he moved his hands down to my stomach, around my navel and into my curls. I swallowed as I watched his hands continue down to my inner thighs.

"_A little more room to play would be nice." _He gently tugged at my thighs and with a sigh I gave him what he wanted – what **I **wanted. His right hand returned to my curls while the other one continued up to my tits. I felt and saw his fingers dipping further downward and finally they reached my pussy. I moaned when he found my clit with his thumb while another finger played with my entrance.

"_Mmmm… you smell absolutely mouthwatering and you taste…" _He lifted his hand and my eyes followed it all the way up to his mouth. _"…divine!" _I was completely mesmerized by the look in his eyes and he smiled as he shared the taste with me in a deep kiss. His tongue was playing with mine and all I could do was respond to him. My brain had just about shut down then and I could hardly think – only feel.

"_Turn around." _He whispered and I did as I was told – obeying orders without having to think for myself seemed like the perfect solution right now. I still didn't know where to look but he solved that problem with a smirk as he took one of my hands and placed it on his cock. Oh… I **had **to look and the sight of my hand on his quite substantial cock instantly prompted about half of my brain cells to do a happy dance! I didn't really know what I was doing but when I slid my thumb across the head and Jasper moaned I figured he liked my touch so I continued.

But I lost the thread when his hands slid back down to my curls and I felt his thumb on my clit. My eyes closed automatically and I finally allowed myself to just feel.

My hands moved to his hair and I was panting as I watched him raise his hand to his mouth, tasting me… The look in his eyes should have made me blush but somehow it didn't. This just felt so right – as if I knew how to do this and that there was no way I could do something wrong; I smiled.

And then he dropped to his knees and kissed my stomach. He looked me in the eyes and continued further downwards, he smiled as he slowly licked my clit and I gasped. There was just no way that anything could feel this good and somehow I had never realized until now – if I had known I would have done this sooner!

_"Jasper..."_ It sounded like a plea, but now that he had made me feel this much I knew that I wanted more, much more. And I wanted him to make this real; I hoped he understood what my scattered brain cells were trying to say. He definitely heard me and while his tongue continued to create magic he slowly pushed a finger into my pussy. I moaned and there was no way I could have kept my eyes open even if I had tried! Then he gently nipped me with his teeth and added another finger and I was gone – the sounds I was making were almost embarrassing and my eyes flew open, but Jasper looked at me as if he had never heard anything more sensual. Before I could say another word or lose the strange courage I had found, I felt his cock at my entrance. He held my eyes as he slowly pushed his way inside.

It was the strangest mix of pleasure and pain and he wasn't even halfway inside when he stopped. _"This will most likely hurt, but I'll try to take most of the pain away for you." _He sounded so gentle and warm and even though I didn't really have any right to do so, I had never loved him more than I did just then. I nodded and dared myself to kiss him.

And he was right, it did hurt but not too much and he was just so big that even after the initial pain it took some getting used to. Jasper paused once again when he was fully inside and it gave me a moment to adjust to feeling something inside me where nothing had ever been before.

Jasper began to pull out again and I panicked for a moment but then he began to move in earnest. It hurt for a second but then the pain was replaced by something much better. I caught his rhythm and began to move against him and by the sounds he was making I guessed that he approved. I could barely breathe as I felt myself beginning to float and as he leaned down to press his forehead against mine I was lost in the strange sense of increasing intimacy and weightlessness and I felt as if I might explode. My hands were digging into his hips trying to find a way to release everything that he was making me feel. The way his cock felt inside my pussy was beyond my wildest fantasies.

"_Bella, let go – don't fight it." _Jasper's voice almost commanded and his pace increased again and suddenly I was flying as pure pleasure ran through my body. Jasper roared as he followed me.

When I finally landed on planet Earth again Jasper had carried me into my bedroom and was busy drying me with a towel. Naturally my insecurities resurfaced and I began to wonder if I had… well… I wondered if I had 'performed' okay – yeah, I knew it was stupid but –

_"You know, I have imagined this quite a few times and my imagination has paled in comparison." _Jasper smiled as pulled me back into his arms.

My head snapped up and I searched his face for the truth. Was he simply trying to make me feel better? _"Really? It was okay? I mean..."_ I wanted to say something about the number of women he had been with, but in all honesty I had more than enough on my plate without bringing other people into the equation.

His eyes were boring into mine. _"Darlin' I don't think I have felt this good in a very, very long time – if ever! I think you've earned a nap," _he chuckled, _"sleep, Bella – I'll wake you later."_

He kissed me on the forehead and my eyes closed.

~o~O~o~

The first thing I noticed was a feeling that somebody was watching me. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling sore and why I felt as though I wasn't alone – nobody was ever in my room so why did I think th… Oh! Finally my memory returned and I rushed to sit up and would probably have sprung right out of my bed if I hadn't heard somebody laughing.

"_Wow! That was something else – monitoring your emotions right there was quite a trip! Are you always this confused when you've had a nap?" _Jasper was sitting on the other side of my bed.

And I had absolutely no idea what to say, so I just stared as I somewhat desperately tried to figure out what the appropriate response would be. Naturally nothing came to mind and I felt utterly lost. What **do** you say when you've finally lost your virginity? If I had lost it in an act of love I guess I would have found something to say, but… I didn't have Jaspers love and so, what now?

"_Uuuh… how long did I sleep?" _I finally managed to ask and I prayed that Jasper would help me through what right now felt soooo awkward.

"_A couple of hours, that's all. It's almost nine." _He smiled softly and I tried to relax – tried being the operative word here, I was way too tense. _"Why don't you take a shower and I'll find something edible for you when you're done, I promise I won't cook anythin' for ya – deal?" _

And just like that he made me feel better! I giggled and nodded – Jasper's bad, bad history in the kitchen was of legendary proportions and I shuffled into the bathroom feeling lighter and more at ease. While showering I was mainly thinking about Jasper's horrible cooking – the two times he had actually set the kitchen on fire and those times when he had more or less accidently tried to kill me kept me entertained and more importantly it kept me from worrying about my… well… my brain insisted it was called my Now Fucking What-situation. Anyway, since I had no idea how to handle this I simply dressed and went downstairs to the kitchen.

I stopped in the doorway when I noticed that the plate Jasper was carrying towards the table was filled with potatoes, gravy, chicken and peas. I squinted at him. _"Promise me you only nuked that or I refuse to eat it."_

"_Poison somebody just once and they never forget it!" _He slowly shook his head and smiled. _"I promise, it's safe to eat – Esme made it, I only nuked it."_

"_Yeah, well your curiosity about strange seasoning and weird herbs doesn't exactly make me trust your cooking anytime soon, but if Esme has made this I know it's good." _I sniffed my meal and if I could have inhaled the entire plate then and there I most likely would have, but I sat down and started to eat – thoroughly enjoying Esme's world-class cooking while Jasper wandered around straightening a completely sterilized kitchen.

"_Oh – someday you'll appreciate my more adventurous nature!" _He winked and I was grateful that he waited till I was done before throwing a statement like that out to me. My only response was a deep blush and a fish impression which Carlisle put an end to when he entered the room and reached over, touched my chin and closed my mouth while he was chuckling.

"_Bella, you're always the best source for entertainment in this house!" _

Great – now I was entertaining! Did that mean that I **was** the family pet? All my insecurities returned and I felt completely out of my league again here with the flawless vampires. So I was no longer a virgin but what did that exactly mean to them? Now more than ever I needed to know what I was to them.

"_Hmm… Carlisle, I think we need to continue our meeting – right now!" _Jasper grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. Gently he guided me back into the living room, where Rose waited patiently. Well, almost patiently.

"_About time! I was beginning to worry that Emmett would ambush me before we finished talking." _She smirked as we sat down.

"_Oh?" _Carlisle said, _"I thought he was still busy with Esme?"_

… Esme? With Emmett? Did he mean..?

"_Yes, that was what he meant!" _Jasper whispered in my ear as he once more sat me down on his lap. The combination of his words, sitting on his lap and the feeling of his lips touching my ear did not make my panties any dryer! He sniffed and I blushed. _"Someday you won't blush that easily and I'll miss it, but right now I really enjoy looking at it." _He kissed my throat and I squeaked.

"_That was totally unfair, Jasper!" _My eyes flew over to Rose and Carlisle and I half expected them to be annoyed but they just smiled and finally I accepted that they really were okay with this – with me having had sex with Jasper. If only I could be more relaxed about it, but maybe that was part of this conversation. Maybe after this I could start reviving those brain cells that were still out cold – God knows I was going to need them!

Carlisle nodded and he must have decided that I would be okay with continuing The Talk. _"So, Bella, embarrassment aside – there is a lot more you need to know, let's continue and I have no doubt that you'll need to talk to someone privately later." _He stopped and looked serious, this was obviously not going to be easy on me – okay, I nodded, I would want to discuss whatever I was about to hear – that made sense.

"_You have now had sex with Jasper and I know that he wants to continue to have sex with you. But that doesn't mean that he'll be the only one – we all want to have sex with you! And that is what is going to happen the next couple of days if you'll accept us – it's still up to you, Bella, nothing is going to happen that you won't allow! Remember that you still have a choice to make tonight. But more about that later. You need to know more about, let's call it 'the coven rules' first," _he smiled and for the first time ever I saw a totally sexual expression on Carlisle's face – not exactly unexpected given the subject but it still made me swallow – hard, and his smile widened. _"Yeah, I guess you know where I'm heading. It might be better if I stop hedging and start pouring, so here it is!"_

"_Brace yourself," _Jasper whispered _"and remember that we love you!" _I nodded and tried to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest as I silently commanded my remaining brain cells to keep an open mind about whatever Carlisle was about to say.

"_Sex in this house is hardly ever private – starting tomorrow you might walk in on anybody having sex anywhere in this house – although we __**do **__know that you might not relish the idea of eating in the same room, so until further notice the kitchen is out of bounds! You should also know that we all enjoy having an audience and we all have a voyeuristic streak. So the entertainment in this room will probably no longer be the TV or anything else you've grown used to. You should also know by now that you'll be asked to join in the fun, most likely you'll be asked frequently since you're not only human but inexperienced and therefore much more interesting to play with!"_

My brain had stopped functioning and my fish impression was back and this time it might never leave! And yet… there was no denying that for someone who was as sexually deprived as me it did sound tempting. Talk about setting a feast in front of the starving!

Jasper lifted me up and turned me around so I was facing him and looked me in the eye. _"Shocked but still breathing – not too bad! I could use my gift but I said I wouldn't do that and I'm not – your feelings are your own and I'm not snooping." _My favorite lopsided smile returned and he continued. _"Even when I'm dying to know what you're really thinking!" _He lifted an eyebrow and waited a beat. _"Carlisle, I think we're ready to continue."_

Continue? There was more? I felt my eyes widen as Jasper just leaned into me and planted the softest of kisses on my lips and I relaxed, why did I always respond to him?

Jasper once more lifted me up and turned me around so I was facing Carlisle once again – he was actually looking relieved. _"So far, so good! Now, this is the difficult part and please hear me out, before you say no." _

There was more? And worse? Oh well – if all I had to do was listen I guess I could do that. Freaking out later seemed still to be an option and that was good enough for me!

"_When you're a traditional coven like ours, having a visit from other covens might be difficult to stomach for us and even more so for you. Visitors are traditionally always greeted with a sort of '__Mi casa es su casa'. And this is where you'll have a problem – Jasper and I allow the members of our coven to say 'no' to any and all sexual adwances, but that is not how any other coven works and it will __**not**__ be accepted by any visitors and trust me, they __**will**__ ask for you...!"_

I... what?


End file.
